I’ll admit, I’m new to being in the messy middle. My mom has only been gone for 3 months, and my father-in-law died a few weeks ago. I am squarely in the toddler phase of this…stubbing my toes all over the place.
But I’m learning fast.
I’m a caretaker by heart. I know this about myself, and I can see the good and the bad of this trait.
The good- I don’t want anyone to hurt, be lonely or suffer. I go out of my way to make sure my loved ones do not feel these to the best of my ability.
The bad- I know it’s not my job to save everyone and I often lose myself in the need to keep others whole. I get run down, and my health suffers.
As I move through this push and pull, I am discovering a few things that are helping me adjust:
Follow their lead: I can sometimes take over and drive solutions. This is not always helpful- I am learning to let our parents lead in what they need, what they want, what is helpful and what is smothering. This is not easy for me. But as I loosen my grip and flow with them, I am finding ways to be supportive and helpful without imposing my will. Remember those manuals we talked about? Still alive and well here… sigh.
Keep open space. I am a planner, which means I can easily and often plan/jam up our schedules with endless to-dos. Keeping open space is critical now- to let our kids have space with us, to give ourselves rest and grace, and have small moments of true downtime. It’s important to exhale and have room for the spontaneous. I’m finding that’s when we grow.
Remember what I can control: As a self-proclaimed control freak, this one is so hard. I’m trying on a new mantra: “I cannot control or fix others. I cannot take away pain or suffering. It’s not my job. Or my place.” I can’t say I’ve come anywhere near mastering this one, but acknowledging is the first step, right?
Lean on others: I’ve become good at leaning on my friends these last few months. They have listened, cared for, and supported me through an unbelievable string of painful events. There are no solutions for any of this, but being able to vent and share my emotions outside my immediate family has been a life saver. I feel lifted by them and I’m so, so grateful.
Coaching and therapy: I know my limits. I have a coach and therapist. My coach helps me deal with the present, my thoughts, and gives me strategies to move forward in a safe way. My therapist helps me process my emotions on a deeper level and is working on the trauma I have experienced. Both are critical to my ability to cope with what has happened and how to move forward in a healthy way.
Small steps are the best steps: I have learned that I cannot make any big changes or commitments right now. Everything is too fragile. But small steps I can do: 10 minutes of yoga, 15 minutes of meditation, 20 minutes of blog writing, 30 minutes of podcast work, etc. Breaking up tasks or intentions into small bites makes it much less overwhelming and achievable. And it takes pressure off of me to be everything to everyone and myself. I am moving forward… but at my pace.
As I continue to toddle my way through this new phase, I am using these strategies and learning new ones. I would love to hear what works for you, and what insights you have learned. Let’s keep the conversation going!
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